orangelyn's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- crying tears of blood well... elan and arman hasn't called. i'm still living for the time being... yupz... dunnoe what i'm gonna do... sadly... i mean i'm already farked up.. my dad's gone mad. i dun have a "home" hate my family. argh. watelse. freaking bullshit. i hate this freaking so - called life of mine. pig. i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate my parents. if i still regard them as mine. guardians i say. my life is totally screwed. planning my death wish list. no freak. i wanna be 18 or 21 soon. be legally independent. get a life. no parents. no restrictions. jailable. no skool. no teachers. heaven. i'm planning to move out anyway. if i live till that age. i hope. i dun get why they have to go to the extend to keeping my fone. trying to know all my friends. trying to limit my bills. all they care is the freaking bill they pay every farking month. blardy freaking selfish assholes. constrict my social life. try that. i'll find ways. disgustingly childish uncivilised. they should go get counciling. i dun mind being an orphan. they should really care less. i would love it. i mean... what the hell controlling my freaking life?? i'm a teenager. i have my own life to led. i dun need u for anything else. if i were working i'll have my own apartment. i wanna live in the dorm. not at home. totally. no parents. i won't miss them. i WON'T i SWEAR. no freaking god-damm shit. i hate hate hate this farking life of mine. all i do is to wait till i'm 21. 6 more years. no less. i dun even feel like talking to them now. like just dun talk till i'm 21... move out... break contact with them. wonderful. i'm sadistic alright. can't stand the way they try to control me stay away from my freaking life will u? just dun give a damm bout me. i'm be happy. so fark and back off. there's no way they'll be treating me like that. rather live in the desert. no more or less. i dun like this place anyway... my bloody "mother" of mine keeps edging my dad to do drastic things. i swear there's gonna be shit for her SOON i hate her prolly dun regard her as my mother anymore. she's bloody biased in that case why didn't she abort me. no shit. all she do is complaint that i'm getting out of hand. i'll show her. feel like leaving. lena? haha humps. will they ever understand what it feels to be treated like that?? WILL THEY? EVER? i dun think so. all they care is that i study and get farking good grades. hate has grown big time. i'll seee... how things go. what they can do. i hate them and will always. dun be such a control freak will u? fine... i'm mad why?? thanks to all of u trying to complicate my pathethic life further. argh. i dun totally understand. the human mind. tell me bout it. i tried to be perfect. fine... i'm sorry... i'm not. go find yourself another kid. hope ur son is anyway. good luck. they'll never understand what i'm feeling and going through now. they dun even bother to ask. like why? how? i'm so sick and tired of being treated like that. they can't or dun even bother to make an effort to understand how i feel. then they keep saying that i'm hiding things from them... never talk to them. how to? everytime i try to say something they do or say sumthing to dissappoint me further. i really dun want to put in anymore effort. it's going no where. stand. all they know is to condemm. they make me do stuff i'd never thought i will. driving me to the end. i dunnoe what's the next thing i'll do. hopefully drastic. take pills or sumthing. fine...i'm useless alright? i can't study my grades are shit. i bring all the troubles home. i'm just not what u want and will never be. everything everytime it's me. always the one at fault. have they ever wonder why i did that? will they? i dun get what they are thinking... why they are doing this. they have utterly no reason to. i dun noe. dun want to live. like wat hang myself on the fan with a twine. i haven't done anything reasonably wrong to deserve this. all they do is to make me feel like a criminal. like i'm cursed or sumthing. i can't even bother to argue with them. just let them be.. keep thinking this way. it's not like i really wanted it to be this way. u just have to force me ... push me to my limits, my extend. i've never been to useless... lost in myt life. i dun feel like i'm part of the "family" anymore. i rely on my friends completely. for support, company... happiness...warmth... laughter... everything i dun wanna lose them, try to keep them with me. i just need the time to grow. to think. i'm so numb. they'll never never understand what i feel. i no longer feel happiness when i'm with my "family" no laughter. no joy. no conversation only hatered. i really dun laugh at all when i'm home. there's no reason for me too. all i feel when i go back home is regret.. remorse. like i'm in depression. there's no more wanting to go home anymore. just wandering outside. i'll rather stay at the void deck to study then go back. it's just emptiness when i go home. purely. i see and look at strangers. when i'm at home. i can't feel anything...except hate. it's so strong. i've tried to forget bout it. but it just keeps coming back. they just have to make me hate them. i dun UNderstand. complexcity. i wonder what i'll do... i'll most prolly leave home. if i can't take it. it's the limit...border...the egde.... i can't take it no more. without my friends there's no reason for me to keep holding on. i want to be able to graduate. to be in college. hopefully... i tell most of the stuff to my peeps. i can't even communicate with my parents. they totally dun understand. i have no one to turn too sumtimes. i can't possibly talk to my younger brother. i have no one when i'm at home. alone. just have to keep everyting to myself. i try to not think bout it. but it's disturbing me alot. i really can't help it... feel very helpless. very... this is prolly the longest diary entry i have ever written. when tears drop... i'll just have to see when it'll stop. they are falling now. they just dun understand.... and they will never will... i know that there is no point crying... but tears just fall... just emptiness.... pure emptiness. it's like two different worlds. i would want very much to tell them but they just won't listen. they won't.
11:33 p.m. - 2003-11-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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