orangelyn's Diaryland Diary

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counting . . .

I�m not giving two fucks on what anybody thinks ANYMORE.
It ain�t radical.
Neither is it realistic.
Each time I try, I fail even more miserably.
FUCK THE WHOLE WORLD.

Can�t be bothered with my parents.
All they know is to yell and scream absolute rubbish.
No, they don�t know bout the shit I�m going through.
They don�t know how fucking stressed out I am.
They don�t know that what they�re doing is killing me.
They don�t know I�m slipping into my own comatose.
They don�t know ANYTHING.

Every single thing I do has a dark underlying intention to it.
Nothing I ever did was right.
They�re just taking and taking everything I�ve left from me.
My life�s just an empty shell now.
It�s just a word used.
Nothing more.

I�m so sick and disgusted at the way they think.
I�m wishing every night that if I could just close my eyes, all these horrid errors in my wretched life would just fade away.

It�s over.
This so-called relationship between us.
I�m not doing anything to savage it anymore.
Could I?
They just rip it apart at the seams repeatedly without fail.
I�m letting it go.
Where I want to be is to be in my own world.
To be left alone.
The way I feel, they claim to know too well.
It�s all FAKE.
I can�t even talk to them.
Always hesitating, then it seems better not to.
Cause they�d never understand anyhow.
It was much better off when I didn�t care.
All this pain started only when I tried to make it good.
It was a stupid mistake.
I should have never tried to.
Shouldn�t have even thought about it.

I�m counting the days left till I�m allowed free.
Till then it�s dread.
I can�t find comfort in them.
It�s impossible.
Maybe it wasn�t even there at all.

It�s the thoughts of having my life back after Os that�s keeping me sane.
Well, if you can�t reach me when I�m out, mum, SLAP yourself.
You brought it and saw it coming.
I�m washing my hands off you.
Go ahead and call every number in my phone since you have it ANYWAY.
Continue to blabber rubbish to me.
It�ll not get into this head of mine.
I�m blocking you out.
Perhaps for eternity.
Having you in my life brings nothing but trouble.
I couldn�t really care less bout what you say or do.
Just take my phone away if it makes you happy.
Yell and scream at me if it contents you.

Just don�t be hypocritical.
Don�t try to look as if you cared.
Don�t try to act as if you�re the best mum I could ever have.
Don�t try to understand me.
Don�t yell senseless words to me.
Don�t make me believe that all is well again.
Don�t tell me how much I�ve hurt you.
Don�t try to tell me what to do.
Don�t talk to me.

Look into the mirror and ask yourself.
How well do you actually know me mum?
Have you ever cared bout my feelings?
Cause all you ever did for me was to mess everything up.

You can�t say that I didn�t try.
I did.
I wanted to come back.
Sadly, no one�s home.
The door�s shut tight.
The windows blocked out.
I�ve been waiting out in the cold.
Hoping that I�d come in one day.
But I�m packing up.
I�m leaving.
I�m tired of all the same excuses you make.
You always say you�ll change and let me in.
I ain�t believing it.
It�s been so long yet I don�t see a thing.

Okay.
I've vented all the stupid crazy lil thoughts inside me.
-grins-
FINALLY.
History's over.
And the good news?
Germany came out!!
JACKPOT BABY!!!!

Well.
Everyone's happy or so i think so.
Aye.
I hope that geo won't be a killer tmr.
I know how it goes.

Kyer's barking herself silly again.
I've got no idea how she does it but she manages to drive my bro into this really cooey mode and make him baby talk her into keeping quiet.
-faints-

((:

I want to runaway.
You told me nothing else but lies.
I try to runaway cause I just wanna live my life.

6:35 pm - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004

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