orangelyn's Diaryland Diary

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Bang !

I sense conviction's presence in my life.
It's starting to take it's toll on me.

The past year's horrors had still gotten the best of me.
It's repeatition isn't doing me good.
I ain't talking to mum or dad now.
Lil bro's been a sweetheart to me.
Loaned cash since he knew i was hard up on it.
(Oh, i love you more then yesterday)
And.
He sorta traded his 6610 for my current 8250.
(:
The lesser interference from my icky folks, the more beautiful life gets.

When i think back.
There's always something that sparks of the argument.
Be it radical or not for that matter.
My dad still stubbornly thinks that his conculsion of my behaviour patterns (in which is due to my raging hormones) is absolutely right.
Total crap.
You always manage to let me down. Each time more then the previous.
Over and over again.
Overheard ths lil kid shouting at his dad today.
" I'm not going to believe you anymore alrd. Daddy always lie to me. "
These words made so much sense to me.
It seems that I've grown to put you off from my life.
It matters no more.
Cause i'm letting my grip go on this unreal relationship that claims to have it's presence.
Nothing goes right.
Maybe to you, your actions might not seem like such a big deal, but to me, it means everything.
You'll never know how i really feel.
Everything's gone wrong in my world.
Everything's changed.
Everything's hurting me.

Sometimes.
When i look into the mirror.
I ask, "Who is that girl i see? Who are you?"
I find no answer.

You've found your way into my head again.
I wonder how you're doing.
I'm letting all i have of you go too.
Cause what i'm holding on to is just your mask.
Not you.
I'm escaping from reality.
Feeding myself lies bout you.
But somehow, when you held my hands.
All my darkness went away.
Everything seemed so perfect.
Fade, fade away, never come back.

We could have gotten there.
Just at the very last step,
You let go of my hand,
Walking away without telling me,
Taking all i had with you.

I'm not looking forward for tommorrow.
Worries that i might screw things up taunt me.
I'm still tangled in the web of endless destruction..
I don't want to dissapoint anyone.
This pain has numbed me too much.

Once,
Twice.
I pulled the trigger.
I didn't have to live
in this misery of you and me.
Anymore.

1:04 pm - 11.29.04

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